Dear Daniel,

I turned around and you’re suddenly so grown up. You’re mastering the potty. We reclaimed our living room and moved most of your toys to your own room and I must admit, I miss the clutter. And we took the leap and turned your crib into a toddler bed the other night. I think I was ignoring it for a long time but you are growing up.. so fast. Just like everyone said you would. I don’t like change but you are always changing.

I’ve been holding onto every last smidgen of your babyhood.. even tighter than I thought. I don’t want to forget any of this.

A piece of my heart is in your heart.
Mommy

You told me to go away the other day. You got in big trouble and it made my heart hurt. You are going through a rough spot right now, throwing tantrums left and right when you don’t get what you want exactly when you want it.

We were at the store and you wanted something. I told you you couldn’t have it and we kept moving. All of a sudden you started crying loudly that your leg hurt. And your arm hurt. And you bumped your head. People looked at me like some terrible, abusive parent. Acting might be in your future.

You are manipulative.. but, in a social setting with kids your age, not so much. You only know how to manipulate adults. 2 little girls walked up to you at the park yesterday and asked Daddy if they could play with you. They asked you your name and you told them that you threw up (you had just recovered from a stomach bug) so yes, that is true but it’s not what anyone wants to hear! Especially girls who think you’re cute.

Things you love right now: Helicopters, Ironman, Chocolate ice cream, TV (since always), lining your Transformers up on the windowsill or table just so.

Things you don’t like unless you are persuaded: Bathing, Listening to your parents, Hugs (you do like to hug me when I’m wearing a dress, which is hysterical). You do give hugs if it means you’ll be getting something in return. Everything is a negotiation with you.

You’ve been doing an amazing job with the potty training. But if we don’t ask you about going to the bathroom for an hour or two and you are busy playing with toys or watching a show, you will pee in your diaper. But you have not messed a diaper (#2) in 3 weeks!

You are the most imaginative little person. You see helicopters in the criss-cross of the bathroom floor tile grout. You turn pot lids into propellers in your mind. You make connections between things that many adults wouldn’t conceive. You like to study things closely and learn in detail each of their parts and how they work.

You wake up every day with zeal and joy and energy that is boundless. I am having a hard time keeping up with you and often wish for a home with a big backyard. You would run in circles squealing with delight if you had a space like that.

When the 3 of us are sitting at the dinner table and you exclaim “We’re eating like a family!” it makes my heart sing. We are a family. In it forever.

Love, Mommy

Got a haircut a month ago and it’s time for another one already.

Daniel’s best friends. He has me hold them and he talks to them. He has bigger conversations with these objects than he does people!

I keep trying to get him to warm up to his little cousin but so far no dice. Maybe someday..

It’s spring! And wow, look how big he is.

Daniel decided he likes food now. It’s been a few weeks of him actually wanting to eat. Maybe he’s growing.. more? We’re also deep deep deeeeep into potty training. The two are related you see..

New obsession: Super Hero Squad. He’s pretending to fly “like i i”. I dunno who “i i” is.

Another new LOVE. Just like his dad.. Transformers. For kids. With firetrucks and helicopters. The people who think these things up.. must have kids.

Music class is done for the ’semester’. We’re gonna take a break til September when he starts… PRESCHOOL! I can’t believe it.

I leave you with this picture. The two people in this world who keep me going. They make my heart explode.

It’s been a month. I don’t know if I can sum up the past month in one post but I can try. Pictures help tell the story, as usual.

We’ve been working on this. You are sorta getting it but not loving it. I’m just glad you stopped screaming every time I stick you on there.

This is your new thing. No, not the heels! DINOSAURS! You’re completely captivated by them.

Just check out how excited you were at The Museum of Natural History. We had to drag you out of there. You like to pretend to be a dinosaur - you walk around the house and creep up on us and then roar and grab us.

Not as exciting, but you let Maggie clean your teeth! Well, I was excited because I am really into oral hygiene. It was a milestone.

We celebrated Chinese New Year. It’s the year of the Dragon. You love noodles.. especially Bak Bak noodles.

Yer just really really adorable. All the time.

Things you say and do:
-You call boogers “crumbs”. If you find an actual crumb of food on the floor you will pick it up and give it to me. You’ve always been this way.
-You are a smooth manipulator. You’ll casually say things like “Hey, what show you wanna watch?”
-We started implementing “time-outs” where you sit in the “naughty spot” (this green rug we have) and at the end of the 2 minutes I ask you to say you’re sorry for whatever it is you did and then you give me a hug and kiss. So lately when you go into the time out you’ll immediately try to bribe me into getting out of it by asking to hug and kiss me. You rascal!
-Ever since we started potty training you’ll lie and say you have to go poop in order to get out of doing things you don’t want to do, like go to bed.
-You’ve been sick a lot in the past month so haven’t seen many friends. You decided that your fireman puppet (Frank) and Mr. Potato Head are your 2 best friends. You ask me to ‘make them talk’ and ‘make them touch your toys’. You talk to them a lot. It’s hilarious. To me.
-You like chapstick.

-Your favorite question is “What’s that?”
-You love puzzles! Your current fave is a 24 piece puzzle. Yes, it’s a DINOSAUR puzzle.
-You love going to the library and checking out books. About dinosaurs, mostly. (Um. I must admit, I’m finding that I really need to brush up on my dinosaur names.)
-You’re really fun to be around these days.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. Thanks for napping right now so I could write this.

I love you more,
Mommy

Sorry it’s been so quiet around here. Here’s a picture of us with Amy at Christmas. You had the best Christmas. So many people love you.

Especially me and Daddy, as you know. We love you so much, we want to give you the world. This includes giving you a sibling.

Here is an entry from my journal, from November 17th:

—
when i became pregnant with daniel (well, when we had the embryo placed inside my uterus) the doctor gave me a photo of the blastocyst so i could pray to it or hope to it. and of course i did, every night of my pregnancy. there was a note scribbled on the photograph. it said ‘one more left’.

last wednesday, i had that ‘one more left’ placed inside my uterus. i had my first beta this wednesday. it was low- 21. i could possibly be pregnant. i go back tomorrow to see if this mass of cells is growing properly.

i had a night terror a few nights ago. i dreamt daniel was rolled up inside a rug and stuffed inside a tall box. i was screaming that i’d rescue him, i’d let him out! in my sleep i tore through a box next to the bed, throwing the contents all over the floor and bedcovers. definitely a sign of the extra estrogen running through me. i had tons of these ‘i lost the baby!’ dreams right after i had daniel. for weeks and weeks.

i didn’t think this was going to work. who knows if it did, really. it’s insane if it works. this embryo was frozen in time for 3 years. it was created the same time Ziggy The Zygote was created. if the doctor had chosen this embryo instead of daniel i’d never have known daniel. who is this embryo? i hope i get to find out. this journey seems incomplete if we don’t get to know ‘one more left’.

the new photo the doctor gave me (of this embryo) says ‘no more left’. and honestly, after this, if it doesn’t work, i don’t know if i have anything else left in me. i don’t know if i could try again.

i sure do feel pregnant though.
—-

Yes, we did IVF again, using a frozen embryo that was created during the same cycle you were created. We were so happy when we learned we were pregnant around Thanksgiving. But this Christmas was a little bittersweet for us, because we learned the baby wasn’t growing normally. Testing showed that the baby was normal. It was going to be a boy. But things just didn’t work out.
That’s why I’ve been so quiet. I didn’t know what to say, didn’t know if I should tell you or not. But I think in order for me to get past it I had to tell you.

The doctors are going to work harder next time to make sure Mama has all the stuff she needs to keep the baby growing. It’s been a really tough few months but we are ready to get back on that horse and try again. We know we make wonderful embryos. It’s a fact. We just have to figure out how to get them to grow and grow and stay as cozy as possible inside Mommy’s tummy.

There’s so much you’ve been doing and saying lately, I’m sorry I haven’t gotten it down. But now that this is behind us, I can focus again. So much more (good) stuff to come. I love you.

Mommy

So now you look 3 years old.