Sorry it’s been so quiet around here. Here’s a picture of us with Amy at Christmas. You had the best Christmas. So many people love you.
Especially me and Daddy, as you know. We love you so much, we want to give you the world. This includes giving you a sibling.
Here is an entry from my journal, from November 17th:
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when i became pregnant with daniel (well, when we had the embryo placed inside my uterus) the doctor gave me a photo of the blastocyst so i could pray to it or hope to it. and of course i did, every night of my pregnancy. there was a note scribbled on the photograph. it said ‘one more left’.
last wednesday, i had that ‘one more left’ placed inside my uterus. i had my first beta this wednesday. it was low- 21. i could possibly be pregnant. i go back tomorrow to see if this mass of cells is growing properly.
i had a night terror a few nights ago. i dreamt daniel was rolled up inside a rug and stuffed inside a tall box. i was screaming that i’d rescue him, i’d let him out! in my sleep i tore through a box next to the bed, throwing the contents all over the floor and bedcovers. definitely a sign of the extra estrogen running through me. i had tons of these ‘i lost the baby!’ dreams right after i had daniel. for weeks and weeks.
i didn’t think this was going to work. who knows if it did, really. it’s insane if it works. this embryo was frozen in time for 3 years. it was created the same time Ziggy The Zygote was created. if the doctor had chosen this embryo instead of daniel i’d never have known daniel. who is this embryo? i hope i get to find out. this journey seems incomplete if we don’t get to know ‘one more left’.
the new photo the doctor gave me (of this embryo) says ‘no more left’. and honestly, after this, if it doesn’t work, i don’t know if i have anything else left in me. i don’t know if i could try again.
i sure do feel pregnant though.
—-
Yes, we did IVF again, using a frozen embryo that was created during the same cycle you were created. We were so happy when we learned we were pregnant around Thanksgiving. But this Christmas was a little bittersweet for us, because we learned the baby wasn’t growing normally. Testing showed that the baby was normal. It was going to be a boy. But things just didn’t work out.
That’s why I’ve been so quiet. I didn’t know what to say, didn’t know if I should tell you or not. But I think in order for me to get past it I had to tell you.
The doctors are going to work harder next time to make sure Mama has all the stuff she needs to keep the baby growing. It’s been a really tough few months but we are ready to get back on that horse and try again. We know we make wonderful embryos. It’s a fact. We just have to figure out how to get them to grow and grow and stay as cozy as possible inside Mommy’s tummy.
There’s so much you’ve been doing and saying lately, I’m sorry I haven’t gotten it down. But now that this is behind us, I can focus again. So much more (good) stuff to come. I love you.
“Brown excavator” (pointing out brown excavator on his pajamas)
“2 socks. Pair socks.”
“Get down.” (off couch after drinking a bottle)
“Mommy walk too..” (asking me to leave kitchen and come to the other room and play with him)
“Mommy sit too..” (and stack cups with him) Daniel doesn’t like to play alone, you see..
“Milk?” (prompted by me) “Please Mommy!!”
“Where’s Daniel? Peekaboo! There he is!!”
“Daddy wears undies. Mommy wears undies. Bok bok wears undies.” (continues naming others, after reading potty book)
“Daddy crust. Baby crust.” (while eating pizza he had a big piece of crust in one hand and a small one in the other)
“Play bean beach? Go bean beach?” (talking about wanting to play a game we play with dry beans pretending they are sand and using buckets and spoons on a beach towel)
“Clean up, clean up, every day!” (repeats over and over while picking up toys, books, etc.)
“Get cozy. Get other pillow.” (Daniel loves to get cozy on the couch every day, every chance he gets)
“Milk, YAY!” (says this a lot lately)
“More pretzels?” (I hand him some and he says) “OH Perfect!”
“Close light?” (asking me to close top of stroller)
“Going to doctor!” (he talks about this but I don’t know where he got it from)
“I’m swimming!!” (while in the bathtub)
“Muskik!!” (means music, says it when playing his instruments and says it very excitedly)
“No run around.” (reminding himself not to run in the house, usually while he’s running in the house)
Yes, I’ve been lazy. For your first Halloween you were a wee 2 month old and I chose to… do nothing. You were a baby that Halloween. I felt that was enough. I had thought for a moment to dress you like a hot dog. But why? Why subject you to such shame.
For Halloween #2 I chose to purchase some cute skeleton jammies and that was the full extent of your “costume”. I called you Cobra Kai (Karate Kid). You were too young to “Trick or Treat”. I thought..
But now.. your obsession with Fireman Sam has decided your costume. And you’re already practicing for the big day. I taught you how to say “Trick or Treat”. This week we’ll work on carrying your little plastic pumpkin around and saying please and thank you (which you already say all the time anyhow since we drill it into your head every day.)
I hope this will be your best Halloween ever. One to remember.
You are still one bossy kid. “Mommy sit too!” “Mommy do blocks too!” “Mommy this and Mommy that!” Yep.
Terrible twos are still in full effect. When you aren’t thrashing about, slamming the back of your head on things in a fit of rage you’re..
(Yes, you are sitting on that log so very nicely… licking a pine cone.)
We’ve been busy enjoying fall activities and those last few weeks outdoors before it turns frigid.
Just chillin’ with your ladies.
I need to be better about updating here. The weeks are flying by..
I must upload a video soon of you singing. You can sing twinkle twinkle, happy birthday, wheels on the bus, and a bunch more.
You’re TWO YEARS OLD! We had a big, loud, exciting, fun birthday party for you this past weekend and you were so revved up about it you wouldn’t eat or nap alllll day. And I don’t blame you. We had 2 firetruck cakes, fire chief hats, firetruck tattoos, friends, family and more!
This time last year you were just getting the hang of walking.
Two years ago you had just emerged and everybody was already falling for you.
Thank you, Daniel. Thank you for giving me a reason to strive every day to be a better person. Thank you for teaching me to take deep breaths. Thank you for getting me to notice the tiny moments of beauty in the ordinary. Things aren’t always easy, but every night when I’m tucking you into bed, I feel so lucky to be a part of your world. Thank you for teaching me so much, especially how to love.
