One More

Posted: January 14th, 2012 | Author: Lisa | Filed under: Uncategorized |

Dear Ziggy,

Sorry it’s been so quiet around here. Here’s a picture of us with Amy at Christmas. You had the best Christmas. So many people love you.

Especially me and Daddy, as you know. We love you so much, we want to give you the world. This includes giving you a sibling.

Here is an entry from my journal, from November 17th:

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when i became pregnant with daniel (well, when we had the embryo placed inside my uterus) the doctor gave me a photo of the blastocyst so i could pray to it or hope to it. and of course i did, every night of my pregnancy. there was a note scribbled on the photograph. it said ‘one more left’.

last wednesday, i had that ‘one more left’ placed inside my uterus. i had my first beta this wednesday. it was low- 21. i could possibly be pregnant. i go back tomorrow to see if this mass of cells is growing properly.

i had a night terror a few nights ago. i dreamt daniel was rolled up inside a rug and stuffed inside a tall box. i was screaming that i’d rescue him, i’d let him out! in my sleep i tore through a box next to the bed, throwing the contents all over the floor and bedcovers. definitely a sign of the extra estrogen running through me. i had tons of these ‘i lost the baby!’ dreams right after i had daniel. for weeks and weeks.

i didn’t think this was going to work. who knows if it did, really. it’s insane if it works. this embryo was frozen in time for 3 years. it was created the same time Ziggy The Zygote was created. if the doctor had chosen this embryo instead of daniel i’d never have known daniel. who is this embryo? i hope i get to find out. this journey seems incomplete if we don’t get to know ‘one more left’.

the new photo the doctor gave me (of this embryo) says ‘no more left’. and honestly, after this, if it doesn’t work, i don’t know if i have anything else left in me. i don’t know if i could try again.

i sure do feel pregnant though.
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Yes, we did IVF again, using a frozen embryo that was created during the same cycle you were created. We were so happy when we learned we were pregnant around Thanksgiving. But this Christmas was a little bittersweet for us, because we learned the baby wasn’t growing normally. Testing showed that the baby was normal. It was going to be a boy. But things just didn’t work out.
That’s why I’ve been so quiet. I didn’t know what to say, didn’t know if I should tell you or not. But I think in order for me to get past it I had to tell you.

The doctors are going to work harder next time to make sure Mama has all the stuff she needs to keep the baby growing. It’s been a really tough few months but we are ready to get back on that horse and try again. We know we make wonderful embryos. It’s a fact. We just have to figure out how to get them to grow and grow and stay as cozy as possible inside Mommy’s tummy.

There’s so much you’ve been doing and saying lately, I’m sorry I haven’t gotten it down. But now that this is behind us, I can focus again. So much more (good) stuff to come. I love you.

Mommy

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